sharing

2:00 am

We lay awake staring at the ceiling of the dark room. The lights of the mall opp our house have already been switched off- this is my sign of it been late in the night.
I cannot seem to get a clear sense of whether I really managed to catch some sleep or not? Trying hard to figure out I looked to my side and saw him... staring at the ceiling of the dark room.

2:15 am

Stepping out of the bed almost in synchrony , we speechlessly follow the morning routine. The frequent eye reassuring contacts... occasional nods.. faint traces of smiles that we exchange is the probably the only sign of our inner beings

excitement, curiosity, worry, mystery, adventure, fear, sense of responsibility, assurance, uncertainty- mix of all sorts of emotions- not one we could pin-point or express. We remain more or less straight faced.

3:00 am

A silent 15 min drive which at another hour would take a minimum of 40 m. Checking the car clock, we notice and remember this moment. Switch off... and continue staring on the dark roads- thinking.
We arrive at our destination. There is a comforting stillness in the air. The faint glittering lights of this glamorous city seem to be gradually switching off. I feel distant but still at home.

3:15 am

Looks like a camp site. People all lined up on the beautifully mowed landscaped grass carpet- fast asleep. My thoughts linger back to me lying on my back in the comfort of my home- awake We look around, in search of something, something we couldn’t pin point or spot.

I have by now positioned myself in a spot that seemed appropriate, he is away on a round of the place, as if for surveillance; again maybe in search of something.

Was it assurance… company… acknowledgement… but I guess for me it was way simpler and down to earth,; I was looking for the right place to stand.

letting go off of the baggage

I do not want to go to school today: swollen eyes & groggy that was the first thought that flashed through my head that morning: the memories of last night made me regret waking up, regret the new morning, regret ever having a brother: the only way he could prolong his 8 years of existence was if he didn't come in front of me. Not this morning.

Deep in my mind and deeper in my heart I blamed him for most of the trouble I got into with my parents. And last night he had crossed all limits.

Mom had confiscated my library book which would mean standing outside class for 40 min and the teacher would in turn confiscate my girdle for one whole week. He had also told mom about my conversation with a friend about the swimming coach (a conversation he had eavesdropped on). As a result of which my mum feared some strange relationship between me (a 12 year old) and my coach (a 40 year old) and had decided that I would not be allowed to join the swimming team.

Sick, sick, sick.

Secretly I had no issues been seen as a trouble maker in school and mom knew my troublesome ways better than anyone else but how could he betray me?

Cut to the more immediate issue of the present, I found myself doing something I shouldn’t have at all: sneaking my mum's keys from under her pillow to get my library book back. and even more sneakily packing my swimming gear.

Tip toeing back- I saw my bro look at me and smile. That was it - I could have simple rewound my moves- replaced the book and unpacked my swimming gear- but that was only in my mind. I knew I was in big trouble. I could see myself do several things to my him: lock him in the bathroom, sling my Milton bottle on his head and make it bleed, punch him on his face, tie his shoelaces to make him trip - but that was all in my head.

As I stood frozen, he smiled, passed me and said, "pending"

I did go to school, I did have a great swimming class, did return my library book, did come back home very happy and did play with my kid bro.

Just like any other day.