can u imagine?

more & less

2010-08-30T11:55:00.000+04:00

I dislike more
I like lesser

I hate more
I love less

I want more
I need less

I object more
I allow less

I am more
I can less

I realise more
I letgo less

I search more
I find less

I do more
I wish less

its high time

2010-08-28T23:09:00.000+04:00

I need to get away
I need to run
I need to find myself

I am disconnected
I am detached
I am disappointed

I disapprove of people
I dislike many more things
I didn't think it would all be so soon

I want to get away
I want to run
I want to find myself

its high time.

miss u.

2009-12-07T23:47:00.002+04:00

There I times when I miss you a lot
When I see a perfect moment captured,
When I smile at familiar common routes,
When I wonder what you'd have to say

There are times when I miss you a lot
When I need a hug
When I'm craving to share
When I need a shoulder to cry

There are times I miss you a lot
When I think of common favorites
When I quote things you've said
When I spot things you'd love

There are endless times I miss you a lot

bbq

2008-12-07T14:54:00.002+04:00

For the thrill and the soul of it
For the grill with the coal in it

A bunch of us set out, to have a good time
For the thrill and the soul of it
For the grill with the coal in it

Maybe for lunch, we thought at one time
Then maybe at supper time
Cross fires among the bunch by dinner time
And then way past the middle of the night

A bunch of us set out, to have a good time
For the thrill and the soul of it
For the grill with the coal in it

Then came another day
With each one having their own say
Doing as an what each may
This time it was another day
Once again, it was well past the middle of the night

A bunch of us set out to have fun
For the thrill and the soul of it
For the grill with the coal in it

Another enthusiastic attempt to make it happen
For only the rains to come and dampen
The thrill and the soul of it
The grill with the coal in it

In all of this the bunch of us had a good time.

2008-10-10T02:21:00.000+04:00

its the common language of music

In Anticipation Of Change

2008-06-29T18:03:00.002+04:00

One Day

Swirling up- round and round the floors of the car park- shocked to see the number of cars already parked
Walking into one of the wings- smiling at the feeling of having done this
Broad corridors, shiny floors, an captivating smell of freshly brewed coffee

Entry formalities.
Amidst tens - Some like me, Some unlike, Some making me wonder

Now the rounds and rounds of entry. Psychometric- done- fun. Another round- all about me, only me, just me. . another of things I value, choices I make, influences in my life, decisions I take
So much about myself

The Psychologist. - read me like a book, knew me inside out- i sat there- amazed at the precision. Scared of being so honest.

Another Day

Took extra long to dress up.. Hoping the seconds ticked slower.. Extra conscious of my look-uneasy
Parked in the preferred section… cheap thrill

Waited chatting with a transfer - competitor. Dislike.
Two more rounds. Triumph, Disappointment
Glad with the first- implementing the learning of ‘perspective’. In the second i realized my weakness.
Learning to reason with the situation

Competitor drove away in a Red H2...immediate fondness.
Worried-anxious- nervous- desperate- sleepless

The Final Day

Panic in the morning.
Luckily, had buffered in ample time for wardrobe mishaps, traffic & the parking rounds. Reached 15 min early- typically me.

Hated the relaxing red chairs in the waiting room… attempted to ease the stress but thought they were in appropriate.
I sat upright on the edge- typically me.

50 long min of chatting.. Experience, situations, number crunching, examples. Enjoyed myself- typically me

Lost the race.

Built it in my character, my stride.
Look forward to change

the love for the movies

2008-06-12T08:19:00.001+04:00

Yesterday boy and a girl met at the mall after work, by 5 pm
Decided to do a movie together
Seemed like a gr8 idea since they hadn't don’t one together in a long time

He came by his car, she in hers. He reached before her.
Grinning like a young boy, eyes dancing like those of a 20 yr old boy meeting his girlfriend

Mutual decision on The Bank Job, but a much later show 7:15pm
They bought popcorn & nachos, settled at some seating near the cinemas
Sat close to each other, ate from the same bucket, giggled at the Mall by passers
We went back 6 years in time. I must have done something right somewhere- is what I thought to myself.

Recommended Experience- movie- love- mall

Building Character

2008-03-22T14:17:00.002+04:00

On a full moon night
A bunch of us left the city around midnight

Drive to a deserted dam on the border of UAE & Oman
Camp the night

Wake up to be mesmerized by the beauty of aridness

Like parched animals off-road our way to hidden fresh water lakes

Plunge in for a dip
Return back into the city and continue with

Things we do in order to "build character"

best wishes

2008-03-22T14:08:00.002+04:00

wondered how quickly 5 years had gone by
wondered how the remaining would be

i think i'm proud of
the years
the compatibility
the love
the understanding

i think we have changed as individuals
luckily into individuals we've grown to love

i know we appreciate each other's contribution into this relationship
respect each other for the sacrifices we willingly make

Wishing Ourselves a Happy Wedding Anniversary

Ahlaan Waslaan Libaan

2008-02-14T12:47:00.003+04:00

i have this thing for cities- for cities that speak- for cities like Beirut

from what a work trip allowed me- i fell in love with this city.

its got everything that mesmerizes me- age, maturity, love, variety, violence, style, fusion, mystery, mother nature, civilization, patriotism, societies, religions, passions, and i can go on

there is so much stimuli to set the mind on the 'i wonder..' mode and made be want to think and want to find out, want to know more, want to see for myself, want to feel it

there's this very glamorous face to the city- trendsetters in fashion, French influence, a dynamic youth
there's a struggle everyday- poverty, inflation, joblessness, parting from loved ones, political instigation in the society, a feeling of un accomplishment

but there is a vibe- a vibe of hope, a vibe of optimism, a vibe of change, of happiness, of a tomorrow

i've promised myself another trip- end of spring

2007-12-20T15:54:00.000+04:00

Who is it she awaits?

A knight in shining armor
A handsome romantic prince

A much older wise man
A young fun loving lad

A rich proud stout trader
A much rooted sensitive pauper

A perfect balance of wit, emotion, pride, intelligence, humor, tradition

One man she would be able to see everything she ever wanted in a man
One man who in spite of who he is- can love her dearly until eternity

Just one right man

a moment

2007-11-19T19:26:00.000+04:00

sitting on the floor of my tiny balcony

like amidst a cloud

floating thoughts

zero visibility ahead

stillness and the sounds of stillness

a chill touches me

i shut my eyes to see the same sight

sharing

2007-09-22T16:10:00.000+04:00

2:00 am

We lay awake staring at the ceiling of the dark room. The lights of the mall opp our house have already been switched off- this is my sign of it been late in the night.
I cannot seem to get a clear sense of whether I really managed to catch some sleep or not? Trying hard to figure out I looked to my side and saw him... staring at the ceiling of the dark room.

2:15 am

Stepping out of the bed almost in synchrony , we speechlessly follow the morning routine. The frequent eye reassuring contacts... occasional nods.. faint traces of smiles that we exchange is the probably the only sign of our inner beings

excitement, curiosity, worry, mystery, adventure, fear, sense of responsibility, assurance, uncertainty- mix of all sorts of emotions- not one we could pin-point or express. We remain more or less straight faced.

3:00 am

A silent 15 min drive which at another hour would take a minimum of 40 m. Checking the car clock, we notice and remember this moment. Switch off... and continue staring on the dark roads- thinking.
We arrive at our destination. There is a comforting stillness in the air. The faint glittering lights of this glamorous city seem to be gradually switching off. I feel distant but still at home.

3:15 am

Looks like a camp site. People all lined up on the beautifully mowed landscaped grass carpet- fast asleep. My thoughts linger back to me lying on my back in the comfort of my home- awake We look around, in search of something, something we couldn’t pin point or spot.

I have by now positioned myself in a spot that seemed appropriate, he is away on a round of the place, as if for surveillance; again maybe in search of something.

Was it assurance… company… acknowledgement… but I guess for me it was way simpler and down to earth,; I was looking for the right place to stand.

letting go off of the baggage

2007-09-18T13:58:00.000+04:00

I do not want to go to school today: swollen eyes & groggy that was the first thought that flashed through my head that morning: the memories of last night made me regret waking up, regret the new morning, regret ever having a brother: the only way he could prolong his 8 years of existence was if he didn't come in front of me. Not this morning.

Deep in my mind and deeper in my heart I blamed him for most of the trouble I got into with my parents. And last night he had crossed all limits.

Mom had confiscated my library book which would mean standing outside class for 40 min and the teacher would in turn confiscate my girdle for one whole week. He had also told mom about my conversation with a friend about the swimming coach (a conversation he had eavesdropped on). As a result of which my mum feared some strange relationship between me (a 12 year old) and my coach (a 40 year old) and had decided that I would not be allowed to join the swimming team.

Sick, sick, sick.

Secretly I had no issues been seen as a trouble maker in school and mom knew my troublesome ways better than anyone else but how could he betray me?

Cut to the more immediate issue of the present, I found myself doing something I shouldn’t have at all: sneaking my mum's keys from under her pillow to get my library book back. and even more sneakily packing my swimming gear.

Tip toeing back- I saw my bro look at me and smile. That was it - I could have simple rewound my moves- replaced the book and unpacked my swimming gear- but that was only in my mind. I knew I was in big trouble. I could see myself do several things to my him: lock him in the bathroom, sling my Milton bottle on his head and make it bleed, punch him on his face, tie his shoelaces to make him trip - but that was all in my head.

As I stood frozen, he smiled, passed me and said, "pending"

I did go to school, I did have a great swimming class, did return my library book, did come back home very happy and did play with my kid bro.

Just like any other day.

teaching...

2007-06-16T11:36:00.000+04:00

... Seven of them

From different lands and from different wombs
With different languages and different beliefs
Different sizes and different ages

With one common objective-

Some know their way around - impressive ones
Some struggling to be achievers- earnest ones
But there are some who pretend to struggle- attention seekers

With one common objective-

To some it just comes naturally
Some need to be told to fight their way through
Some need to learn to partner and trust

With one common objective-

Some feel this opportunity is what they make the most from
Some experience gratitude
Some just feel they need help

With one common objective- learning to swim

…continue smiling endlessly

2007-05-23T08:08:00.000+04:00

I would have never imagined…
Bumping into my school website—skipping dozens of heart beats--- not being able to breath until the web page downloaded—my eye would widen as i catch a glimpse of the school emblem
I would have never imagined… that even today the memories would leave me smiling endlessly

I would have never imagined that..
I would be eager to go through the site.. read about my school.. strain my eyes to see familiar faces in the faculty.. scan through the activities remembering all the things that I did and that the girls still did the same and more
I would have never imagined that.. that even today the memories would leave me smiling endlessly

I would have never imagined that even today…
I feel a proud part of it… want to wear that uniform.. worry about the plaited hair, the 3 badges, folded down socks, returning the library book!.. i remember the school song.. want to be a part of the choir… wish to look out of the 4th floor reading room windows on-looking the Kennedy bridge.. I could do a virtual tour
I would have never imagined that even today… that even today the memories would leave me smiling endlessly

…continue smiling endlessly

Serenity a Silhouette

2007-05-10T13:07:00.000+04:00

i write this to say

2007-01-31T11:02:00.000+04:00

i lay by your side
warm, secure, rested, contended
the moment any of the above jitters in my mind i move closer to you being able to connect to your aura
i continue to lay by your side

i look at your face
sleeping, childlike, resting, loveable
i see all the things we've done together, the first times, the again and agains- i realize i want this forever
i continue to look at your face

i love you for being you
caring, cautious, fun, wise
all the things you do to make me smile, to make me cry, to calm me, to bug me remind me of how much i love every bit of you
i continue to love you for being you

i apoligise for the tough times
rude, insensitive, unrealistic, naive
all the times when i've disappointed you, hurt your feelings, fought, nagged- only wish so much i hadn’t done it all
i continue to apoligise for the tough times

i write this to say- i love you

2007-01-04T19:11:00.000+04:00

road one:-
raising expectations,
benchmark setting,
being the point of reference,
above comparisons,

feeling: strength-pride-win-achievement
contra:- ego-over confidence-powerful'est'

road two:-
living upto expectations,
crossing the benchmark,
having a reference point,
being compared,

feeling: weak-ashamed-looser-failure
contra:- motivated-learning-grow'ing'

tough to choose
at work, in love, in friendship, in everything

scared to maintain track
fear of being type-casted

2006-12-14T13:23:00.000+04:00

i'm a whole lot like You
always was
feel every bit of You in me even now
shall always remain

from the time i was born
the similarity showed
the affinity growed
i'm a whole lot like You

i have a lot of You in me
look talk walk smile laugh cry
i feel You as a part of me
i'm a whole lot like You

then i went away
right before Your wet eyes
mine still are
i'm a whole lot like You

now we are apart
i feel incomplete
lost quiet sad alone
i’m a whole lot like You

there are years to catch up
worries to sooth out
to show You that
i’m a whole lot like You

2006-12-13T20:25:00.000+04:00

glossy roads
wet cars withdroplets seductively rolling down
all shades of grey covering every visible bit of sky blue

crisp breath
cool breeze flirting with loose strands of hair
goose bumps allowing me to count the hair roots

as i look around the sight and the feeling seems familiar yet uncommon

is it reality or is it justme

2006-12-03T10:54:00.000+04:00

MY LIFE, HAS A FANTASTIC STARCAST

I JUST CANT FIGURE OUT THE PLOT!

breaking up

2006-11-23T13:52:00.000+04:00

telephone number: cheap, mass publication
me: desperate
voice: elderly, experienced
me: inquiring, respectful, courteous, desperate
conversation: one-sided, complaining, scribing
me: listening (wondering if the number dialed was correct), patient
feeling: unknown, hesitant, mistake
me: struggling, desperate
result: a plan

the object: red-maroon peeling, open front, visible age
me: desperate
image: old, under cover, one side scared (zeenat aman in a movie)
me: hesitant, disapproving, letting-go
experience: rickety, cold, quiet
me: without support, alone, helpless, desperate
team: voice and object- perfect match, perfect synchrony
result: one down

the object: dejavu
me: power of money
the voice: getting softer, smaller, friendlier
me: desperate, accommodating
experience: with a ray of hope
me: careful, polite, requesting- cracked the nut
image: still under cover
result: couple of more down, at a price

the object: same
me: feeling the odds
the voice: asking for more, unsatisfied, bullying
me: "giving in" with warnings, still desperate
experience: same
me: seeing the end
image: demanding, still a team, realizing strength
me: withdrawing, disconnecting
result: end

telephone number: cheap, mass publication
me: desperate
voice:different..

Having Left

2006-10-11T12:30:00.000+04:00

Having left the city closest to my heart-
I have left behind- Support, Security, Loved ones, Favorite places, Cozy home, Pani puri, Carefree-ness, INR, Familiarity, Comfort, Self

Being in this new city-
I have found- Excitement, Struggle, Long lost friends, Adventure, Own Home, Lebanese bread, Responsibility, Dhs, Newness, Self exploration, Self

Self

leaving

2006-09-07T12:34:00.000+04:00

i know i am:
dazed, lost, excited, looking forward, coming back, gonna have fun, looking forward,

i know i am not:
scared, emotional, fortunate, worried, anxious, gonna loose

i am looking forward to know if i am:
attached, adaptable, able, a survivor or winner, grow as a human being

still figuring out if i am:
happy about this

Stagnant

2006-08-22T10:21:00.000+04:00

people not walking: brisk walking
cars in the traffic not at 30 kmph: but at 90 kmph
colleagues not just working: hustling-bustling like bees
ringtones not the normal tring tring: they go trin-trin-trin-trin

everything around me is moving: moving faster than usual
i feel i'm just standing in one place still: watching all of it

reminds me of a shot from a song in the movie Dil Chahata Hai-
the protagonist is standing still: the hazed image of the rush hour pedestrians walking past him

I will, I can

2006-08-01T19:04:00.000+04:00

Random questions..

Are we as strong as we think we are?

Are we making a difference in the lives of our loved ones?

Are we the ones who need to be responsible of the things we do?

Are we really dependable?

Can we love someone who's hurt us?

Can we care for someone who doesn’t care for us?

Can we cook and feed someone who's kept us hungry?

Can we do new things as easily as we think we can?

Can we love and not want to be loved back?

Will we be able to go-on if things didn’t go our way?

Will we be able to fight all odds outside us and more so within us?

Vague answers play in my mind.. but all feel like excuses..

I frown.. to avoid thinking of these questions.. running away form them

Here, as I look at these.. I know I have things to do.. a long way to go.

and convert these to "I can & I will"- the motto of my school

:Normal :Strange

2006-07-24T16:43:00.000+04:00

enjoyment-happiness-craving for more-asking-getting-more happiness:
Normal

enjoyment-happiness-fear of the craving for more-stopping-not getting-sinking:
Strange

chatter-mindless
questions- thoughtful
chatter-watched
answers- planned
chatter- swallowed
analysis- precise
chatter- no more

pampering-precious- deserving- allowing- accepting- encouraging:
Normal

pampering-skeptical- questioning- forced- tears- puzzling:
Strange

meaningful conversations

2006-06-22T17:40:00.000+04:00

conversations
- plenty, all the time, playing, random, helpful, distracting, painful, senseless, funny, stimulating, connecting, plain, necessary,

but meaningful ones
- needed, rare, felt, cherished.

Thank you is all i can say.

my own

2006-06-22T17:11:00.000+04:00

ac room
lying down staring at the ceiling- trying

no more
maggie, old magazines, newspapers, work documents

19 degrees
garam garam, glossy page three celebs, garfield/calvin, scribbling random thoughts
polished bowl, bikini football glamour, aspiration, overambitious

tried again

not troubled
am at my best
giving myself time (for what is still a mystery)
thinking about my own self (not about the others that comprise of me)
being in my own space, my own world (not sharing it with everyone, with anyone)

doesn’t bother me
doesn’t bother me at all.. being possessive of my space, my thoughts, my life, myself

i am my own at 1:34 am

achievement

reveyelution

2006-06-20T15:27:00.000+04:00

One day..

2006-06-19T09:13:00.000+04:00

One day, as I headed home..
I reached a transformed home- transformed to an interesting space

3 unknown men- staring at me as i approached an unlocked door

2 more- at different heights - splatting cement on the ceiling and the granules raining on their heads

Several more- spider-like humans.. sprawled up the walls colouring my world for me

I eagerly walked past them concentrating on a single white closed door.. A door i wanted to get on to the other side of

Behind this white door was the world i seeked- familiar, warm set-up
A place which had- my things.. my people.. my world

I looked up, took a deep breath and smiled
- I had reached home

4:27 am

2006-06-17T15:54:00.000+04:00

silence, stillness, sleeplessness

silence.. namaaz, howling of the dogs, an occasional flight,
stillness.. rickshaw engines warming up, the watchman's lathi,
sleeplessness.. diluting colour of the sky, three lit rooms in the opposite building,

silence, stillness, sleeplessness, alertness, peacefulness...

alertness.. flashes of the past, curiosity of the dawning day,
peacefulness.. moments of truth, connection within

silence, stillness, sleeplessness, alertness, peacefulness...finally sleep.

the vehicle

2006-05-30T11:11:00.000+04:00

Sometimes a sight will suddenly bring back a long forgotten memory from childhood.

And then I will find myself wondering how many other memories are hidden from me in the recess of my own brain and i will be filled with wonder at the prospect of someday discovering new worlds there.

The inner space we have never adequately explored.

The worlds within the worlds within the worlds. And the marvelous thing is that they are waiting for me.

If i fail to discover them it is only because i haven’t yet built the right vehicle-which will take me to them.

If i learn to build the right vehicle (or get on to one going that way!) then i can discover even more unknown territories.

fan club

2006-05-27T12:26:00.000+04:00

member One
admirably i look up as i feel the aura of presence..
calmness, compassion, understanding, humour, knowledge, experience, love- all of it personified into one

alert and sensitive to the vibes that sail out of her.. i wonder if the others around me feel them.. a prang of jealously distracts me and i look around to notice the others

member Two
impressed by the school of thought
fun, teasing, gossip, friends, current affairs, care, spirituality- yada yada i enjoy thoroughly

a stimulated mind and an easy feeling heart.. i wonder what that person thinks of me..
a tickle down my spine leaves me conscious and i am left only trying to sit up straight

member Three
looking forward to the company
easy going, individualistic, allowing, experimenting, adventurous- some of the many qualities

a twinkle in the eye and the permission to speak out my mind.. i unwind as this god sent absorbs me a pull myself in as i stop to wonder if i could be like wise in return

member Four
the ultimate
charming, creative, innovative, experimenting, loving, passionate, funny, sensitive, permissive,.. beyond my limited vocabulary

i long for the moment, to feel safe, warm, loved, forgiven, encouraged, stimulated, chirpy, excited, re-energised
i cling on- not feeling jealous, not feeling conscious, not feeling obliged.. only feeling loved.

Snapshots

2006-05-26T07:31:00.000+04:00

a colourful masala box!(can u smell the fresh spicy mixed aroma?)

for the foodies..

symmetry! a carpet loom in Badhoi(UP)

the colourful Gods on our head!

self (---?---)

2006-05-26T07:17:00.000+04:00

one
only one
provision(grateful), compulsion(acceptance)

boss (compulsion)

two
more than two
choice(pleasure), selection(privilege), comparision(dilemma)

food (choice, selection)
clothes(choice, selection, comparision)
gadgets(choice, selection, comparision)
jobs(selection, comparision)
friends (selection)
lovers (comparisons)

self(----?----)

french windows

2006-05-16T08:25:00.000+04:00

on looking the greens
in a secluded corner of the city...
away from the hustle-bustle..
on a quiet slope

i hear the faint calling of different birds
smell the fragrance of different flowers
sitting in a room with french windows

only thing i hear is a silence
only thing i feel is a hiding heart beat
as i feel the stillness from the outside creeping into me

what is inside me now is what is outside me
tranquillity, equanimity
sitting in a room with french windows

tears

2006-05-05T18:44:00.000+04:00

today when briefing my group.. i said something that came straight from my heart..something which at a rational level was my research objective.. but had become something i had begun to believe was the reason i was standing there. i told them- "we're here to talk about things you have always kept within you.. things which shud be released.. shud be shared.. for your own good.."

i saw tears rolling out of unkown eyes.. each drop saying a story sadder than the other.. i melted.. now the research objective was way behind and me 'being there' for them was top priority..

when one woman has tears.. everyone else seems to be looking down.. looking away.. through flooded eyes.. all (including me) feel that heavy sinking feeling..

i was just wondering- how often do people open up and cry aloud.. how often do they release their worries.. do they talk about it.. or do they distract themselves... do they release it.. do they choose to ignore it.. does it differ by gender.. do all these tricks really help them release their pain.. can one's own's actually sorrow be diluted in their own tears.. i dont know.. but they did cry and so did all the others..

for me- crying helps a lot.. but i cant talk about it. this is what i have come to terms with.

inspired

2006-05-05T18:29:00.000+04:00

i think i'm the last person to create a blog.. but hash's blog has inspired me to make this move.. thank you hash.